Anger. Depression. Frustration. Grief. Pick one. It doesn’t really matter which.
How am I supposed to live with these deep, deep feelings and still glorify you?
How am I supposed to continually live with these debilitating emotions and still trust You?
People will say “Trust is a decision not a feeling….” Blah, blah, blah…. “God’s ways are not our ways…” Heard it before….”God teaches us in our pain…”yeah, yeah…Those are probably all true, but right now they all seem like insipid platitudes in the light of my still bleeding wounds.
Sorry. I realize to some I may sound rather heretical, but I figure if you can deal with Abraham, Job, David, and Peter, you can deal with me.
My friend (and many others like him, especially guys) always becomes frustrated with people who allow their emotions to lead them. And I get it. But what the crap am I supposed to do? Ignore them? Just push them down enough to make it through the day? the week? That’s what I’ve been doing! And sure…I have joys in my life. There are so many things that I know God has given me that I am deeply happy for. But nothing seems to be enough to fix the hurt and the anger. I have poured myself into others, worked as if for the Lord in my job, and felt a sense of peace and rightness in those things. I’ve done more than that. I’ve been running to My Creator, My Comforter. Praying constantly in tears for healing, restoration, for joy….and yet…..here I am. Going to scripture….memorizing…yet here I am. Going to godly friends and mentors….praying, trying to heed advice….yet here I am. Still….I carry this heaviness….this doubt….this pain. It tastes a lie in my mouth to not admit this wound that just won’t seem to heal. Am I just a bad Christian? Do I get an “F” for the day? Am I missing something obvious? Why Lord have you not brought a light at the end of the tunnel? Shown me what it’s all about? What are you trying to teach me, because whatever it is doesn’t seem worth it. Just saying.
I hear you on the whole “Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world”(C.S. Lewis) and “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope” (Romans 5:3) but it just doesn’t cut it when I have been listening and the suffering lasts this long. What about 1 Corinthians 10:13? No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it. ” Huh? What about that? I’m telling you…..I can’t endure this. “Oh but Amy, that applies to temptation, not heart-ache.” –Bologna! I’m telling you…I’m tempted to believe that you can’t handle this God. That you don’t care.
Where is my “way of escape?” God? Are you listening?
Where is my way of escape?